You're Allowed to Say No: Setting Boundaries as a New Mom
As a new mom, you may be feeling the pressure to say “yes” to everything. Yes, the in-laws can come over to meet the baby even though I’m exhausted from our time at the hospital. Yes, we can make it to that very early doctor appointment even though we’re not sleeping. Yes, you can hold the baby even though I’m desperately wanting some more bonding time. The list goes on and on.
New moms often feel pressure to say “yes” to everything- but setting boundaries is essential for your mental health. Learn why saying no doesn’t make you a bad mom.
The Guilt of Saying No
As women, most of us have been socialized to say “yes”. We want to be likable. We want to make things easy. And above all else, we don’t want to make anyone else feel bad for asking something.
But, is that approach really serving us? Is our top priority right now to make things easier for everyone else?
Probably not.
But, we have been programed to feel guilty saying “no”. We can be so focused on the needs of someone else, that the guilt of saying “no” overpowers our own authentic wants and needs.
So let’s break down the function of guilt for a moment. Guilt can be a very effective emotion when we have done something against our values or goals. Bailing on plans with a friend last minute. Yelling at our partner in a fight. Forgetting your mom’s birthday. Those kinds of things. When we feel an appropriate amount (*intensity matters!) of guilt, we can take accountability and make amends for ongoing improvement. Awesome!
So, why are you feeling guilty for wanting to hold your baby instead of handing them off to your aunt? It’s surely not because you are doing something against your values or goals.
Guilt is confusing- we feel it in a lot of situations that it doesn’t make sense. And sometimes we feel it in a way that is way more intense than it needs to be.
Working on navigating guilt differently is so important. Challenging ineffective guilt- and setting those boundaries even when it’s hard- is good for you and good for your family.
Let’s reframe it!
Working to build our confidence in boundaries often requires us reframing the thoughts behind guilt. When we can identify the self-talk that isn’t supporting us- and replace it with more helpful self-talk- we are going to have an easier time setting and holding our boundaries.
Thought: “I’m so exhausted from our time at the hospital, but I know that my in-laws really want to meet the baby. It would be wrong of me to say no.” Reframe: “I know my in-laws really want to meet the baby, and I’m excited for them to! And, I’m so exhausted from the hospital that it’s just not the right time. We can schedule it for another day this week so that I’ve had more time to reset and actually be present for their visit.”
Thought: “They gave me a really early appointment time for our first baby check-in. I don’t know how we are going to make it because our night’s have been so rough. But I’m going to look like a bad mom if I don’t just go with it.” Reframe: “Our night’s have been so rough, and I think that early appointment time would be really hard for us. It’s worth asking if there are any other times available that might work better for us.”
Thought: “All I want to do is snuggle with my baby- I’ve been waiting for these moments for so long! But, it’s really selfish of me to hog the baby, I should let others hold them when they visit.” Reframe: “I’ve been waiting so long for these snuggly moments with my baby! When others visit I can let them know that I’m prioritizing this bonding time with my baby right now.”
When we reframe our thoughts, we can validate our own emotions and affirm the choices that are best for us. While this isn’t always going to make setting boundaries easy- it does help us know that we are taking the steps we need!
Saying No Doesn’t Make You a Bad Mom- It Makes You a Healthy One
Saying no isn’t about shutting people out—it’s about protecting your limited energy and honoring what matters most right now. When you say no to things that don’t align with your needs or values, you’re saying yes to:
Rest and recovery
Quality time with your baby
Mental and emotional space to process this huge transition
Intentional parenting aligned with your beliefs
In motherhood- our priorities shift. They need to! So, how we need to hold space for ourself is going to shift too.
This can feel difficult, and is a great practice that we will need to come back to time and time again on our parenthood journey. When we can hold healthy boundaries, we are supporting ourself and our family. And, as a bonus, we are modeling healthy boundaries for our kids to see as they grow up!
What Healthy Boundaries Can Sound Like
Boundaries can look different depending on the circumstance and relationship. Some boundaries will be stated and explained thoroughly- for example if it is with someone close to us, or someone who is having a difficult time understanding a boundary. Some boundaries will be stated briefly- for example if it is with a stranger or someone we don’t know well. And, some boundaries aren’t stated at all but held internally.
Here are some examples of ways to set a boundary without guilt:
“We’re limiting visitors right now as we get adjusted. We’ll let you know when we’re ready.”
“Thanks for the invite! We’re keeping our weekends low-key to focus on rest.”
“That doesn’t work for us right now, but I appreciate you thinking of us.”
“Everyone’s journey is so different and we are just trying out things to find what works best for us.”
Boundaries that we can hold without specifically needing to name them:
Putting your baby in a baby-wearing carrier so that it reduces others asking to hold them
Not sharing as much information with those who are not as supportive
Spending less time with those who continually push your boundaries
Quickly changing topics when others try to give you unsolicited parenting advice
How to Start Practicing Boundaries
Setting boundaries is a skill, not a personality trait- and like any skill, it takes practice. Here’s how to begin:
Notice your body’s cues. Sometimes, your body notices your need for a boundary before you do. Some common cues might be tension, feeling more fidgety, or tuning out from the present moment. Listen to your body and get curious with what it’s telling you.
Start small. Practice saying no in low-stakes situations to build confidence. For example, you might start with someone who you think will be more receptive to your boundaries before practicing with someone who is often less receptive to boundaries.
Use “I” statements. Center your needs without blaming others. (“I need more quiet time” vs. “You’re too loud.”) By owning our own needs in boundaries, others are more likely to understand and recieve them well.
Use preemptive boundaries where that’s helpful. Setting expectations ahead of time can make it easier than having to set the boundary after it’s already being asked. For example, if you know you won’t want any visitors at the hospital, let your family know ahead of time so that you’re not having to navigate those conversations right after you gave birth.
Expect some pushback. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong- it means the boundary is working. When others are used to us not expressing our boundaries, they may have a difficult time understanding what we are doing. Keep practicing so that they can get used to it.
Give Yourself Permission
If you're navigating early motherhood with a full heart and an empty tank, it’s okay to pause. You don't have to perform or prove anything. You’re doing sacred, exhausting, beautiful work- and you deserve support and space.
Saying no is not a rejection of others. It’s a declaration that your needs matter too.
You’re Not Alone
If boundary-setting feels foreign or guilt-inducing, you’re not alone. Many moms I work with struggle with this, especially those who feel pulled toward perfection or people-pleasing. Therapy can help you untangle those beliefs, strengthen your voice, and step into a version of motherhood that honors you, too.
Need Support?
If you’re a new or expecting mom in Minnesota, I specialize in helping women navigate the identity shifts, anxiety, and pressure that come with motherhood. Reach out to schedule a consultation- we’d love to support you. You can learn more about our therapy services here and schedule a free consultation with a licensed therapist who feels like a good fit for you!