Why Perfectionism Feels Like Protection (and How to Loosen Its Grip)

If you’ve ever felt like you need to “get it all right” - whether it’s packing the perfect preschool lunch, writing the just right email at work, or making sure every detail of your home is picture-worthy - you’re not alone.

For many, perfectionism isn’t about vanity or impressing others. It’s about safety. Deep down, perfectionism can feel like a shield - a way to protect yourself from judgment, rejection, or the fear of “not being enough.”

The trouble is, that shield can get heavy.

Why Perfectionism Shows Up

Perfectionism often starts as a survival skill. Maybe as a child, doing things just right kept the peace, earned you praise, or helped you avoid criticism.

Perfectionism can show up as a protective part for us earlier in life. Getting good grades in school might not have just been reinforced because it’s what you “should do”, it also may have been a way for you to fly under the radar in a home that was filled with conflict. Keeping your room tidy, wearing the “right” clothes, or even making sure your body looked a certain shape or size may have helped you avoid criticism from your family or peers. Being hyper aware of the emotions of everyone around you allowed you to know the best way to interact so that you could feel safe.

Over time, your brain learned: If I do everything the “right” way, I’m worthy of acceptance. If I can just meet everyone else’s needs, I’ll be loved. If I’m perfect, I’m safe.

Perfectionism often continues to get reinforced in adulthood throughout your career, relationships, and navigating a confusing world. Even though perfectionism might not actually be serving you any more- it is how you feel that you’ve made the accomplishments you have in life. And, you fear that if you let perfectionism go, you loose everything you’ve worked for.

Areas of your life that are especially important may trigger perfectionism the most. If you really value getting that next promotion, you may feel the need to do everything “right” and fear making any mistake- assuming that you must be perfect in order to move forwards. If you become a parent, you may find yourself obsessed with following all of the “right” schedules to make sure that you don’t let your family down. If you are a stay at home partner/parent, you may feel the need to make sure your home is immaculate to prove that what you are doing is worthy.

When Protection Turns Into Pressure

The problem is that perfectionism doesn’t just protect you - it also traps you. Feeling this pressure to do everything perfectly keeps you from actually experiencing and enjoying the things you are doing. Instead of being present in your life, you are fixated on doing it all “right”. And, that focus on doing it all “right” might actually set you up for more error.

You might notice:

• Overthinking every decision: It takes you 5 times as long to send every email because you are constantly re-reading and re-wording it. You’re not feeling confident in how you are introducing your baby to foods because you are jumping back and forth from what others online say is the “right” way to do it. You know you want to see a therapist, but it never happens because you aren’t sure which therapist to choose to work with.

• Feeling constantly tense: You notice your jaw clench every time you hear a notification on your phone- because you know you’re about to enter a period of self-doubt when figuring out how to word a simple text. You can’t find a way to enjoy your family vacation because you are so stressed about making sure you do everything on your to-see list. You’re struggling to fall asleep at night because you keep running through the decisions on your plate for the next day.

• Avoiding new things: You struggle to pick up hobbies because the pressure of doing them “well” gets in the way of just doing something for fun. You avoid social gatherings with people you don’t know because you know you’ll hyper-fixate on showing up in the “right” way. You don’t even want to try something unfamiliar on the menu, because if you don’t like it, you’ll spend the evening in self-blame for making the “wrong” decision.

• Burnout: You’re exhausted. Every important decision is filled with second-guessing yourself and self-doubt. Everything takes longer and requires more effort because you have to make sure it’s all executed perfectly. And you don’t get a chance to enjoy the moment because you’re too focused on what the moment “should” be that you’re missing out on what it is.

Turns out, perfectionism isn’t actually helping you. Instead of creating more safety, perfectionism can actually increase stress, anxiety, and self-doubt. The things that are the most important to you now just bring you stress- and you’re so disconnected from yourself that you find yourself making more mistakes than you otherwise would.

How to Loosen Perfectionism’s Grip

Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean lowering your values or “not caring.” It means choosing flexibility and self-compassion over impossible standards.

Here are a few ways to start:

1. Name the Fear Beneath It
   Ask yourself: What am I afraid will happen if I don’t get this perfect? Sometimes just naming the fear can shrink its power. When we can name the fear- sometimes it becomes a little more clear that perfectionism doesn’t have to be the answer. If you say to yourself “I fear that my partner won’t love me if I can’t resolve our tension immediately” you might be able to recognize how unrealistic that fear is and that being a real human may help you navigate the tension better than perfectionism could.

2. Practice “Good Enough” Moments
   Experiment with leaving a task at 80–90% done - and notice that the world doesn’t fall apart. This will require you to sit with some discomfort at first- which can be so challenging- and I promise it will get easier. Start off with what feels most doable. Let that weekend work email wait until Monday. Allow your kid to go to preschool with their shirt on backwards (since they’re insisting it’s “just fine!”). Sitting with that discomfort- and seeing that everything truly is just fine- will allow these imperfect moments to feel a little more comfortable overtime.

3. Give Yourself the Compassion You Give Others
   If your friend made a mistake, would you see her as a failure? Offer yourself that same grace. You showed up 5 minutes late because traffic was horrible? It’s okay, it really is no problem. You forgot to pack your kid’s lunch the night before and now are rushing to do it in the morning? It’s alright, some mornings are just going to be more frazzled. You were short with your partner after an especially stressful day? It’s okay, you’re human. If you’re struggling to believe the compassion that you’d give to others- writing it out or saying it out loud might help it to sink in sooner.

4. Challenge All-or-Nothing Thinking
   Perfectionism loves extremes (“I either do this flawlessly or I’ve failed”). Look for the middle ground- because life happens in the middle ground. Only half of the things you planted in your garden grew this year? Cool- you grew some things nonetheless! And, you may have learned a thing or two about what might help next year.

Practice Makes Progress- Not Perfection

Keep in mind that the process of healing perfectionism takes time- and it’s not going to look perfect. So often, perfectionism can feed into our healing journey. We decide that we want to do things differently, but then find ourselves doing perfectionism in a whole new way. This might look like feeling the need to do all of the “right” coping skills, feeling the expectation that this “should” be working quicker, or beating ourselves up for repeating old patterns.

Healing takes time, and it is not linear. Notice when perfectionism is getting in the way of your personal growth and give yourself a gentle reminder to be present in the journey.

A Gentle Reminder

Perfectionism may have served you once. It might have kept you safe, helped you succeed, or given you a sense of control during uncertain times. But you’re allowed to lay the shield down now.

You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy, loved, and safe.

If you’re finding it hard to release perfectionism -therapy can help you uncover its roots and find a gentler way forward. At Minnesota Attachment Collective, we are here to help you come back to yourself.

Learn more about our therapy services here and our providers here- where you can schedule a 15-minute consultation to get started!