When Joy and Fear Coexist: Navigating Pregnancy After Infertility
Pregnancy after infertility is often painted as the happy ending to a long, painful chapter. And in many ways, it is a beautiful milestone worth celebrating. But for many individuals and couples, pregnancy doesn’t mark the end of emotional hardship- it’s a new phase in which joy and fear coexist, often uneasily.
If you’re pregnant after infertility and wondering why you feel anxious, detached, or even scared, you’re not alone. Your experience is valid, and the emotional complexity you’re navigating deserves care and compassion.
Before we jump in, let me introduce myself. I am Kayla Estenson Williams- Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Minnesota. One of my therapeutic specialties is infertility because I’ve had to navigate it myself. I experienced a few years of infertility before getting pregnant with my daughter via IVF. While I was so overjoyed to finally become pregnant once we had our successful treatment cycle, I also had to learn how to navigate fear and uncertainty at a level that I wouldn’t have had to if it weren’t for my infertility experience.
The Lingering Impact of Infertility
Infertility isn’t just a medical journey- it’s an emotional one. It often involves grief, uncertainty, repeated loss, and the trauma of feeling like your body isn’t cooperating with your deepest hopes. Even when pregnancy is achieved, the nervous system doesn’t automatically shift into a state of ease. You may still be bracing for bad news, struggling to trust your body, or feeling unworthy of joy.
It’s common to hear others say, “You must be so excited!” when you share the news of your pregnancy. And while that might be partially true, it might not be the whole truth. You may feel nervous about early scans, hesitant to share the news, or distant from the experience altogether- almost like you’re trying to protect yourself from further pain.
Common Emotional Experiences in Pregnancy After Infertility
Here are some of the ways trauma and anxiety can show up during this time:
Hypervigilance: Feeling constantly on edge, worried about every symptom (or lack thereof), and fearing miscarriage or complications. Up until now, you may have wondered, “Will I ever get to become a parent?”- this question can quickly turn into the belief that this wonderful experience isn’t going to happen to you. And, so your nervous system is waiting for the other shoe to drop. If I’m not meant to experience the joy of growing my family, then something bad must be just around the corner.
Emotional numbness: Struggling to feel connected to the pregnancy or hesitant to bond with your baby out of fear something might go wrong. You have been through the trauma and stress of infertility- so, it’s understandable that it’s hard to settle into this pregnancy. It might be feeling too good to be true- and so there’s a protective part that shows up and blocks you off from experiencing connection to your pregnancy.
Guilt: Feeling guilty for not being more excited. You’ve wanted this for so long and imagined how much joy and love you would experience once you became pregnant. But now, you’re struggling to connect and beating yourself up for it. Throughout your own infertility experience, you may have found community with others who are struggling to conceive. Once you finally become pregnant, you may be feeling some guilt that others are still struggling to grow their family.
Isolation: Having trouble relating to other pregnant people whose journeys were different or feeling misunderstood by those who haven’t experienced infertility. Most people really can’t wrap their heads around what it’s like to go through infertility unless they’ve truly been through it. You may be feeling like an outsider because others around you don’t seem to experience the complex emotions that you’re balancing right now.
Fear of hope: Worrying that allowing yourself to hope or celebrate might “jinx” the outcome. Your brain has tried to cope with this experience by disconnecting from it. And, even though you logically know that you are pregnant, you worry that this isn’t supposed to happen for you. You worry that something bad might happen if you finally allow yourself to relax.
These responses make sense in the context of what you’ve been through. Your body and mind are doing their best to protect you from more loss, even as you enter a new chapter.
You’re Not Doing It Wrong
One of the biggest myths about pregnancy after infertility is that once you conceive, the struggle is over. But healing doesn’t follow a linear path. Pregnancy may stir up fears and grief you thought you’d left behind. This doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or incapable of enjoying your pregnancy- it means you’re human.
Holding space for both the joy and the fear is one of the most compassionate things you can do for yourself. Not only will this support you as you go through your pregnancy, but it will also support you into your steps of parenthood as the need to allow space for multiple conflicting emotions will continue.
How to Support Your Mental Health During This Time
Name and validate what’s happening: Acknowledging your anxiety, grief, or fear doesn’t make it worse- it often helps it feel more manageable. Give yourself permission to feel exactly what you feel. “It makes sense that I am feeling anxious as my road to this pregnancy has been long and painful.” “Of course I am still grieving, I have lost a lot in this process.” “I’m feeling excited! This pregnancy is so wanted and cherished.”
Build your support system: Connect with a therapist who understands reproductive trauma. Lean on people who can hold space for the complexity of this time without pushing positivity.
Set boundaries: It’s okay to avoid conversations or people who minimize your experience or try to “fix” your feelings. You get to choose how, when, and with whom you share your pregnancy. After your experience with infertility, you may feel supported most by those who get it or do their best to be understanding and supportive. This is a time for you- and it’s okay to make choices that serve you best.
Use grounding tools: Gentle mindfulness practices, body scans, journaling, and breath-work can help bring your nervous system out of fight-or-flight and into more safety. Here is a free 15-minute guided breath practice that can help!
Celebrate in your own way: If traditional pregnancy milestones feel hard, find ways to mark your journey that feel more authentic to you- even if they’re quiet or private.
When to Seek Therapy
Therapy can be supportive for any life transition- so going through infertility and/or pregnancy can be a good enough reason on it’s own to seek professional help. But, if you start to notice some more mental health symptoms surface- now might be an especially important time to get support.
Some symptoms that may show up are frequent worry thoughts, feeling disconnected from the things that you typically would enjoy, doubting that you are deserving of this pregnancy, feeling overstimulated or on edge, feeling less connected to your partner or support system, or having a harder time than usual being present. Working with a therapist who specializes in fertility challenges and reproductive trauma can help support you in the healing that you’ve needed from your infertility experience so that you can hold more space for joy in pregnancy and parenthood.
You Deserve Support
Pregnancy after infertility is a time when emotional support is just as important as physical care. Whether you’re in the early weeks or well into your third trimester, it’s never too late to seek therapy, process what you’ve been through, and learn ways to feel more grounded in this chapter.
At Minnesota Attachment Collective, we specialize in supporting individuals and couples navigating the unique emotional challenges of fertility, pregnancy, and parenthood. You don’t have to carry the weight of this experience alone. If you’d like to talk, we’re here.
You can learn more about our providers here and schedule a free 15-minute consultation to make your first step towards healing!