You Can Say “No” to Things Like This… And Still be a Good Mom
You want to be a good mom. But does that mean that you have to be the perfect mom?
With the pressures of society, social media, norms within our extended family, and own high expectations- we may feel like we have to say “yes” to everything in order to do enough.
If putting yourself last so that you can try to put everybody and everything else first was the magic ticket for feeling like you’re doing enough- wouldn’t you feel like super mom by this point?
You might be saying… “well I’m trying to do everything, but I’m still coming up short. That’s why I don’t feel like supermom.” Here’s the reality check. You can’t keep up with it because it’s not sustainable. And even if you could, you’d probably keep raising the bar higher on yourself.
So, maybe it’s time to try things a little differently.
Here are six things you can start giving yourself permission to say no to so that you can finally feel a bit more present in motherhood.
The urge to push down your emotions so that you can handle everything else.
In the moment, it may feel like the easiest choice is to push down your own feelings so that you can manage the feelings, schedules, and needs of everyone else. But, in the long run, that’s not sustainable for you- and it’s not helping anyone else either. When possible, taking the time to regulate your own nervous system and care for your needs will help you to be more present in motherhood and will model healthy coping skills.
Check in on what emotions are showing up for you throughout the day. Journal for a few minutes at the end of the day, take time to check-in with your partner regularly, or get back to those regular sessions with your therapist.
Add in some small self-care practices into your routine- and make them a priority even when there’s a lot on your plate. This can be taking a few minutes to do some deep breathing in between activities, making sure you get a full un-interrupted shower in, or making it to a yoga class on Wednesday nights.
Allow yourself to pause in moments of stress to practice a few coping skills. Yes, even when your kiddo is having some big emotions. As long as they’re safe, it okay- and probably even beneficial for everyone- for you to take a couple minutes to regulate your nervous system.
Attending every family event
The pressure to be a good mom, wife, daughter/daughter-in-law, sister, and friend can leave you feeling like you need to say yes to every family or holiday event. While, sometimes, events with our loved ones can be just the nurturing self-care we need, other times they may leave us feeling overbooked, overwhelmed, and overstimulated. When needed, saying “no” to family events can help us to stay more present and enjoy the day.
Before the holidays, Mother’s or Father’s Day weekends, or the business of summer events roll around - check in with your capacity. How are you feeling? What ways would you like to connect with extended family? What ways would you like to connect with your immediate family? And, what spaces could you use some extra “me-time”?
Recognize that saying “no” to some things allows you to say “yes” to others. Saying “no” to a Christmas where you are carting your kids around to three different gatherings in one day means that you have more space to say “yes” to a day with your kids that is less chaotic and more enjoyable.
Boundaries take practice. If your extended family is used to you saying “yes” to every family gathering, it may be difficult to start saying “no” when you need to. Remember that just because something feels uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s wrong. And, just because someone else doesn’t like it doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
Keeping a perfect home
The only way to keep a perfectly tidy home is to keep your family out of it. Mess and joy often go hand in hand. While it may feel helpful to have some routine in place to keep your home functional- it doesn’t need to be perfect. Toys in the living room show that children are free to find joy in shared family spaces. Artwork on the fridge shows pride and connection in the children’s hobbies. And a few dishes in the sink show that you all enjoyed a great meal together.
Make a plan with your family on basic cleaning responsibilities for the home so that it’s not all on your plate.
Allow for flexibility where you need to. Maybe you usually like to have the dishwasher loaded and running before bed, but it’s been a busy evening with a few extra hiccups along the way- it’s okay if the dishes don’t get done tonight.
Remember that each season of life is temporary. When your kids are little, your living room shelves may be filled with overflowing toy baskets that you wouldn’t find in any home magazine. It’s okay to embrace this season- even the aspects of it that are not your favorite.
Playing every game or activity
While you may want to encourage your child’s sense of fun and imagination, it makes sense that you’re not always going to want to play. Sometimes you’re busy trying to make dinner, have work to finish up, or are just not in the mood to play tea party for the fifth time today. It’s okay to say “not right now” and allow them to grow in their imagination through independent play.
Have short and sweet conversations with your kids around your boundaries for playing. You can affirm your enjoyment of spending time with them even when you are saying “no” to an activity. “Thanks for asking me honey, I love playing with you! Right now I’m taking a break to recharge my batteries so that I have more energy to play with you later. For now, I’d love to watch you play while I relax on the couch.”
Know that your kids will be okay even if they’re disappointed in you saying “no” to something. In fact, them practicing navigating the emotion of disappointment is so healthy! When you say “no” with kindness and understanding about their feelings, they get to learn that they are still loved even when their loved one says “no” to something.
Remember that through boredom can grow creativity! You do not have to entertain your children every second of every day. When they have some moments where they are bored, they have an opportunity to find new and creative ways to play.
Keeping up with every parenting trend
Social media can give us some good reminders that we aren’t alone, but it can also fill us with big (and often conflicting) expectations about the “right” way to parent. Right from the get-go, you may be overwhelmed with messages around the “right” approaches to birth, feeding, sleep support, and developmental activities. It’s okay to do your own research, form your own opinions, trust your gut, and take the approach that feels best for you and your family.
Set boundaries around social media if you need. If seeing all of the strong opinions about hot parenting topics leaves you feeling overwhelmed or anxious, it might be a nice time to take some space from that content. Take a break from social media, get picky about who you follow, and work to teach the algorithm what content you don’t want to see by quickly scrolling past it (even when it’s hard!).
Be mindful about where you get your information from. Remember that people do not need any training or certification to become parenting influencers. Look into someones qualifications or sources- and probably don’t take advice from someone who has strong all/none perspectives (that may just be used to try to sell you on something).
Know that just because one approach feels “right” for one person, doesn’t mean it’s “right” for another. Every kid is different, and every parent is different. Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all area of life. And in many ways, that’s great! Check in with how different approaches feel for you and your family and make changes when needed.
Enjoying every minute of motherhood
Of course you want to find joy in motherhood- but that doesn’t mean you have to love every minute of it. Motherhood is hard. It can be all-consuming, overstimulating, and bring up some of our old wounds that we didn’t expect to have to face again. We all feel moments when we don’t love motherhood. And, feeling guilty about that isn’t going to make us love it any more. You can love your child deeply even while you don’t enjoy some aspects of motherhood.
Give yourself permission to feel the full spectrum of emotion. You understand that your toddler may have times that they’re going through big and conflicting emotions- so keep in mind that you’re human too- and can go through some of those same experiences (just, equipped with more understanding and ability to practice skills).
Know that it’s okay for you to love some seasons more than others. Maybe you struggled during the newborn season. It wasn’t your favorite, and that’s okay. You might enjoy toddlerhood or the school age years more. You don’t have to feel the same about each different season of motherhood.
You don’t have to fake it until you make it. You don’t have to pretend that every moment of motherhood is pure bliss. It’s okay to talk to your support system about the areas that are challenging so that you can get the support you need.
You’re doing a great job. And, you deserve support throughout motherhood.
At Minnesota Attachment Collective, we are passionate about providing support throughout the tender seasons of growing your family. We want to hold space for all of the experiences- and we want to make sure you feel the support you need along the way.
We have openings for individual and couples therapy- either in-person at our Eagan, MN office location, or online anywhere in Minnesota. Learn more about us here and schedule a free 15-minute consultation