You’re Allowed to be Hopeful and Heartbroken at the Same Time: making space for complex emotions during infertility treatment
You’re holding so much right now.
Maybe you’re on your third round of IVF. Maybe you’re injecting hormones every night while trying to smile at baby showers and act like everything’s fine. Maybe you’re not sure if you even can keep going—but you’re still hoping this will finally be the cycle that works.
And with every new appointment, every test result, every two-week wait, you find yourself swinging between hope and heartbreak.
If you feel emotionally all over the place, that makes sense.
If you feel numb one moment and shattered the next - you’re not doing it wrong.
You’re human. And infertility is one of the most emotionally complex journeys a person can go through.
Hi, I’m Kayla.
I am the Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist behind Minnesota Attachment Collective- and I’ve also been through my own infertility journey. One of the hardest parts of the process for me was trying to be hopeful while I was also heartbroken.
I was grieving all of the failed cycles and failed treatments while also wanting to connect to some hope to motivate me through the next cycle. The secret to making it through? Know that there is room for it all.
Hope Doesn’t Cancel Out Heartbreak
So many people going through fertility treatment feel like they should be optimistic. You tell yourself things like:
“I should focus on the positive.”
“At least we have a plan.”
“If I lose hope, I’m giving up.”
But here’s the truth: Hope doesn’t mean you’re not also hurting.
And pain doesn’t mean you’ve lost all hope.
The two can - and often do - exist together.
You can be hopeful that this cycle will work, and grieve what you’ve already lost.
You can imagine a future with a baby, and also feel angry that it hasn’t happened yet.
You can believe in your strength, and still wish you didn’t have to be this strong.
Your emotions are layered because your experience is layered.
Your emotions may feel a bit all over the place because this experience has been a bit all over the place. It’s oaky to feel up one moment and down the next. It’s okay to be human.
Why It Feels So Emotionally Confusing
Fertility treatment keeps you in a state of constant hypervigilance:
Monitoring your body
Managing appointments
Making decisions with impossible stakes
It’s hard to relax. Hard to plan ahead. Hard to fully celebrate or fully grieve, because everything feels like it might change tomorrow.
Sometimes, going through fertility treatment feels like a full-time job. And, behind the scenes, you’re also balancing work, relationships, and oh yea… the fact that your mental health probably isn’t in its best state.
This emotional whiplash isn’t a sign that something’s wrong with you—it’s a natural response to living in a state of prolonged uncertainty and loss.
And often, the people around you just don’t get it. They might say things like:
“Just stay positive!”
“At least you know you can get pregnant.”
“It’ll happen when the time is right.”
These comments (however well-meaning) can make you feel like you have to hide your heartbreak in order to protect your hope—or vice versa.
But you don’t. You’re allowed to feel it all.
Making Space for Both
You don’t need to pick a side. You don’t have to wait for clarity to feel what you’re feeling.
Here are some gentle ways to make space for your full emotional experience:
Use “Both/And” Language
Instead of pressuring yourself to be either hopeful or devastated, try language like:
“I’m hopeful this will work, and I’m heartbroken it’s been so hard.”
“I can visualize the future that I hope to see while I feel the discomfort of uncertainty.”
“I am committing to the process this cycle and I also have days where I feel disconnected from it.”
“I am hopeful for the possibility of growing our family, and I am also hopeful that we’ll be able to connect to joy in our family even if this cycle doesn’t work.”
This helps your brain integrate both realities instead of feeling stuck in a tug-of-war.
Let Yourself Grieve Along the Way
Infertility often comes with ambiguous losses—things like:
The way you thought this would happen
A pregnancy that never got to begin
The timeline you imagined for your life
Naming these losses allows you to grieve them with compassion, not shame.
Rather than pushing down grief, allow space for it.
Journal to reflect on the different emotions and experiences that show up with your grief
Talk about your pain with a supportive person in your life
Allow yourself to slow down and give yourself grace
Create Rituals of Emotional Care
Small rituals help your nervous system process what’s happening- and help support you during this challenging time.
Navigating infertility treatment is a difficult season of life. How you need to support yourself during this time might look very differently than how you would support yourself during other seasons of life.
Create morning and evening routines that help you to slow down and connect to what you need for the day
Journal after appointments to check-in with how you’re feeling at each stage
Add soothing elements to your environment- such as lighting candles, listening to soothing music, or getting out in nature
Practice gentle movements such as restorative yoga or a walk through the park
Talk to Someone Who Gets It
That might be a therapist, a support group, or a friend who’s walked a similar path. Sometimes, just being able to say “I’m both hopeful and heartbroken” and hearing “me too” can bring incredible relief.
Who you invite in to your story matters. Often, those navigating infertility can feel dismissed by their loved ones who just don’t seem to understand their experience. Connect to who you actually feel supported by in this experience, and allow yourself to look for new sources of support as needed.
You’re Not Doing It Wrong
If you’re crying in the bathroom and then googling baby names an hour later…
If you feel numb when the test is negative and then schedule the next cycle anyway…
If you both want to keep trying and wonder how much more you can take...
You’re not doing it wrong. You’re doing your best in a situation that asks too much.
The pressure to feel hopeful and excited throughout this process is high - and it doesn’t help. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling like you have to stay positive in order for this to work.
You’re allowed to feel the feelings. And in fact, allowing yourself to be human is going to be better for your nervous system- and will probably support you through this process more than toxic positivity will.
Let your hope live. Let your heartbreak breathe. There’s room for both.
If you’re feeling emotionally stuck or alone in this journey, I’d be honored to walk with you. I offer support for individuals and couples navigating fertility challenges- because you deserve a space to feel it all, without judgment.
At Minnesota Attachment Collective, we serve folks in Minnesota- either virtually or in-person at our Eagan, MN office location. You can learn more about our therapy services here and more about our team here. Schedule a free initial 15-minute consultation to see if we would be a good fit for you!