Why Trying to Control Everything In Parenthood Isn’t Easing Your Anxiety - It’s Fueling It
You plan ahead. You over-research. You keep everyone on track.
You’ve got meal prep down to a science, your diaper bag could survive the apocalypse, and you’re constantly anticipating the next meltdown before it even begins. From the outside, you look like you’ve got it all together.
But on the inside? You’re tense. Exhausted. Always bracing for something to go wrong.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone - and you’re not failing. You might just be stuck in an anxiety-control loop that so many parents fall into.
When Anxiety Wears the Mask of Control
Anxiety doesn’t always show up as racing thoughts or panic attacks. Especially in parenthood, it often hides behind hyper-organization, over-functioning, and the desperate attempt to keep every ball in the air.
It might look like:
Micromanaging bedtime routines or food choices
Re-checking what your partner packed for daycare
Getting upset when things don’t go according to plan
Researching every decision to the point of burnout
Feeling like you’re the only one who can do things “right”
If you’re nodding along, it’s not because you’re controlling or rigid. It’s because your nervous system is trying to feel safe. Control becomes the strategy - one that makes total sense when the stakes feel impossibly high.
Control Brings Temporary Relief - But It Also Keeps You Stuck
The problem is, control doesn’t deliver the peace it promises. Here’s what often happens:
The more you try to control, the more you notice things that feel out of your control.
You become the default parent and the default worrier.
You feel resentful, disconnected, and like no one else is doing their part.
And when something still goes “wrong”? The guilt hits harder. The anxiety spikes higher.
This cycle isn’t just exhausting - it’s unsustainable. It can leave you feeling isolated, burned out, and disconnected from your own intuition and joy in parenting.
There’s a Softer Way to Parent Through Anxiety
You don’t need to stop caring. You don’t need to let chaos reign. But loosening your grip just a little can help you feel more grounded—not less.
Here are a few gentle ways to start:
Name What’s Underneath the Urge to Control
Instead of reacting to the mess or the missed nap, pause and ask: “What am I really feeling right now? Am I overwhelmed? Afraid? Lonely?”
Just naming the emotion can help soften it. And often, when we name it, we can better understand the needs of our emotion. Because, the need probably isn’t that everything will go perfectly according to plan.
You may be sending yourself into a spiral if nap doesn’t start on time. Anxiety tells you that if nap doesn’t go according to plan, the whole day will be ruined. The urge for control leaves you feeling that the only way to save the day is to get this nap back on track.
But… when you really check into your emotions? You’re overwhelmed. You’ve got too much on your plate and you need a break- which is why you’d love this nap to go according to plan. When you sit with the feeling of overwhelm, you may come to realize that you can get your break even if it comes later than expected, you can check in with your support system for how you can get in a more solid break this evening, or you can get creative by figuring out what else you could take off your plate.
Identifying the real emotion underneath the urge for control isn’t going to make everything feel 100% better- but it will give you a better shot at actually identifying what you need.
Let Go of One Small Thing
Pick just one area where you can ease your grip:
Let your partner handle the morning routine (even if it’s not your way)
If your urge for control has you in the default parent seat- this may be tough! And, that’s okay. Let your partner take the driver’s seat from time to time- it’s okay to start small if you need to. Let them figure out their own rhythm with parenthood. This will help them to build trust in themselves as a parent while you get to dedicate more care to yourself.
Say “yes” to screen time, takeout, or the easier option when you need a break
Sometimes, when we are striving to do all of the “right” parenting things, we are overloading ourselves with too many hands-on jobs. We have to be the entertainer, teacher, chef, and housecleaner. It’s a lot! While there may be some days where you can balance those roles well, know that you don’t need to all the time. Sometimes, allowing for a little extra screen time so that you can get in a little self-care will actually have a better outcome for everyone than if you stuck to your screen time limit today.
Get help where you can
While I wish every parent had a strong village to support them on the day-to-day, I know that isn’t the reality. But, there might be more support available than you think. Allow yourself to ask for help from those who are around. Hire the neighborhood babysitter- even if it’s just so that you can have an extra set of hands for a couple hours per week. Talk with your partner to adjust the load. Hire a housecleaner once per month to help you with the tasks that tend to push your anxiety over the edge.
Small acts of letting go can build trust—in yourself, in others, in your capacity to cope without controlling.
Soothe Your Body, Not Just Your Thoughts
Anxiety isn’t just in your head - it lives in your body. You’ve probably found yourself saying “I know this is ridiculous! But, I can’t stop myself from feeling on edge about it”. That’s because even though our mind may know that it’s okay to let something go, our nervous system still thinks it needs to grip tightly. In these moments, we really need to speak to our nervous system by practicing some embodied coping skills.
Try:
Cold exposure: place an ice pack over the eyes for a few minutes while you sit back and breathe, or take a cold plunge if that’s your jam! Cold exposure can help slow down all the processes (such as our heart rate and breath) that get elevated when we are stressed.
Slow down your breathing: take some long inhales and exhales to communicate to your body that it’s okay to slow down. Guided breath practices, such as this Simple Breath Practice, can be great when your mind doesn’t want to slow down.
Get in some movement: when you feel that anxious energy in your body, you might need to flush out some of that stress hormone. Going for a quick jog, doing some jumping jacks, or anything that gets your heart rate up for a bit can be helpful here.
These simple tools can help signal safety to your nervous system- which then allows your body and mind to work together so that you can respond to the situation differently.
Practice “Good Enough” Parenting
Perfect parenting is a myth. Kids don’t need perfection - they need attunement, repair, and presence. Allowing things to be “good enough” creates space for flexibility and self-compassion.
When we practice “good enough” parenting instead of “perfect” parenting, we are modeling an important lesson for our children. We’re human. Things don’t always turn out the way we hoped. We make mistakes - and we can make meaningful repairs. People, moments, and environments can be safe - even when they aren’t perfect.
Read that last paragraph again.
You may have been raised to believe that everything needed to be right- or that you needed to do everything right- in order to be safe and loved. Imagine how different life would feel if you were raised to know, and trust, that things are okay. Now is your opportunity to create that feeling of safety for yourself- and for your family.
Get Support for the Deeper Stuff
Often, our urge to control goes way back - to childhood wounds, past trauma, or a fear of being seen as not enough.
For many of us, this urge for control comes from a “perfectionist part” that believes you are only good enough if you can do everything right. While this part of you may have been created to protect you when you were younger, it’s not serving you anymore. It’s keeping you from seeing your true worth- and knowing that “good enough” is truly good enough.
Working with a therapist can help you explore these patterns with compassion and begin to create new ones.
You Deserve Peace, Too
If you’ve been carrying the mental load, the emotional weight, and the pressure to get it all right - this is your reminder: you’re allowed to exhale.
You don’t have to control everything to be a good parent.
You don’t have to stay in high-alert mode to keep your family safe.
You’re not broken - you’re just doing your best to feel okay in a world that’s asked too much of you.
There’s another way. One rooted in connection, not control.
And you don’t have to figure it out alone.
If this post resonates, I’d love to support you.
I work with parents navigating anxiety, perfectionism, and burnout—especially in the early years of parenthood. Reach out to learn more about working together or finding a path back to yourself.
We offer individual and couples therapy in Minnesota- either at our Eagan, MN office location, or virtually anywhere in the state. You can learn a bit more about our team here - where you can also schedule a free 15-minute consultation!