Coping with the Rollercoaster of Infertility
First off, let me introduce myself. I’m Kayla- a mental health therapist based in Minnesota who specializes in fertility challenges as well as perinatal mental health. I myself have been on the roller coaster of infertility- and I know first hand how uncomfortable and complex this experience can be.
Let’s talk about:
The emotional landscape of infertility
Ways that you can cope with infertility
When to seek professional support
Infertility Can Feel Like a Rollercoaster- that you didn’t choose to be on.
For most, the decision to grow your family feels exciting. While we know that not everyone gets pregnant right away, we may initially be thinking of the TTC journey as something fun that will fly by fast. For those navigating infertility, the TTC journey can become a rollercoaster that you never wanted to get on.
Infertility can feel like you’re living in limbo- caught in between hope and heartbreak. While most conversations focus on the medical aspects of infertility, the emotional weight is often invisible but just as real.
For most of us, the decision to grow our family is one of the most decisions we make in life. It’s not as simple as deciding you’d like to buy a new car. It’s a decision that impacts your life in every way- and once you decide you’re ready to grow your family- you feel connected to all of the change you are looking forwards to.
So, when month after month goes by without the joy of a pregnancy announcement, it can feel like your life is on pause. You may try to remain hopeful for the next cycle, but are also battling the grief of every negative pregnancy test. As a mental health therapist, I see firsthand how the trauma of fertility challenges can impact your mood and contribute to anxiety and depression.
One of the hardest parts of infertility, is that others in your life might just not get it. If they haven’t experienced infertility before, they may be completely unaware of how significant the pain of infertility is. You may be overburdened with unsolicited (and unhelpful!) advice, burned out from toxic-positivity, or confused by painful messaging from others.
So, let’s normalize the pain those experiencing fertility challenges feel.
Understanding the Emotional Landscape of Infertility
Fertility challenges impact everyone in different ways- but here are some common pain points that I see in my work:
Grief and Loss
You don’t have to experience the death of someone to experience grief. Ambiguous loss, such as infertility, can feel extremely painful and confusing. Each cycle, you experience the loss of something that has yet to happen. This dream that you hold so close- but keeps seemingly passing you by.
Grief is a normal, and unfortunately recurrent process of a complex fertility journey. Each month that passes by without a pregnancy may leave you feeling even more uncertain of the future. And, for those who experience failed treatment cycles or early pregnancy losses go through additional layers of grief.
These forms of ambiguous loss can be especially complex as others in our life may not see or understand the grief we are navigating. When someone loses a loved one, their support system may come in to offer care during their grief process. But, for those navigating infertility, others may not be aware that you are grieving- or if they are- may not be able to conceptualize how painful it is. Because of this, you may be feeling isolated and alone in your grief- which can make healing even more challenging.
Anxiety and Hypervigilance
When you first start trying to grow your family, you might feel a bit of excitement and hope with the tracking, timing, and anticipation of “test day”. But, after a few months of this, the process can feel daunting and anxiety-filled.
Keeping track of everything going on in your cycle eventually feels like a burden. You may feel like you have to put your life on pause so that you can make sure you give each month a fair shot at success. You become hypervigilant about every signal from your body that lets you know what might be happening in your cycle.
It’s a lot. You likely find yourself wanting to be able to control what is happening. And yet, there is very little that you can do to actually control this process. This anxiety may bubble up into the fear of the unknown and may manifest into trying to control other areas of your life.
Shame and Self-Blame
With the very understandable desire for control can come shame and self-blame. In the process of trying to do things “right” in order to grow our family, we feel as if we are responsible for things not going according to plan.
We enter the “what’s wrong with me” loop, and may lose trust and connection to our body. We overanalyze what we are eating, how we are exercising, and any possible life choice that may be impacting our fertility. We blame ourselves for not trying earlier or not having the answers.
Those who have underlying perfectionism are especially susceptible to have some internalized beliefs about self worth in this area. You may be wondering “why me” and anxiety may be taking you into some painful narratives around why you don’t deserve happiness in this area.
Even though you would never blame or shame someone else you love for their infertility experience, your mind convinces you that it’s different for you.
Isolation and Disconnection
If you don’t have others around you who truly get infertility, you may be feeling totally alone- even when you are surrounded by others. Your fertility journey may feel too vulnerable to share and seek support on. Or, if you’ve sought support, the people around you may not understand and be able to provide you with the care that you need. And for those who do have a solid support system around infertility, eventually you may feel like a broken record after each month that is unsuccessful, and end up struggling to continue sharing your needs around support.
In addition to the lack of support, it may feel like everyone is moving on in life except for you. While your life is on pause for infertility, you see your loved ones grow their family, travel, or progress in their dreams. You may struggle to enjoy social events, have a difficult time relating to others, or just feel the urge to withdraw from everyone during this time.
The Impact on Daily Life
So, as it’s clear to see, infertility can impact our mental health and connection to others in major ways. Navigating fertility challenges also impacts us in the small everyday ways- that may seem small when they show up from time to time0 but can leave us feeling disconnected from our lives when they continue to show up in our lives.
How infertility can impact our daily life:
Difficulty focusing on daily tasks at work or home- because your mind keeps coming back to your fertility journey
Feeling like small things can lead to big emotions- because your everyday emotional load is already so high
Difficulty feeling connected in your relationships- both friendships and family relationships- and especially in your partnership, where you and your partner have been so focused on this major goal that continues to feel painful
Confusion around your own goals- due to the uncertainty of what the future holds, it can feel complicated to identify and pursue other goals in life
Healthy Ways to Cope
While we unfortunately can’t take away the pain that infertility brings- we can shift how you respond to it. Nobody wants to be experiencing this. And, this season of life may be the perfect time for you to build in healthy coping skills- which will serve you beyond infertility.
Name and Validate Your Emotions
There are so many valid emotions that you experience each day. Sometimes these emotions conflict with one another. And, often, they feel like too much. But, pushing the emotions down is not going to get rid of them- in fact, this might make them show up in even bigger ways when you least expect it.
So take some time each day to sit with your emotions. Maybe you do some journaling at the beginning or end of each day, or maybe you just take a few minutes during the natural transitions of your day to do a little check in.
Identify which emotion you are experiencing. Anger, grief, sadness, loneliness, hope, confusion, excitement, disconnection. You may be experiencing several emotions at once- just take note of whichever ones you’re aware of in the moment. This will get easier with practice.
Practice self-validation. “It makes sense that I’m feeling ____ because of ____.” As a therapist, I’m often reminding my clients that every emotion is valid. No, not every interpretation or thought that comes with an emotion is true or helpful- yet, every emotion is valid. When we have a better understanding of our emotions, we can learn how to support them more effectively over time.
Build a Support System
Infertility can feel like a lonely process- but that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. It may feel challenging to build a support network with others who understand what you’re going through- and it can make all the difference.
Share with those you trust. You can start small to test the waters, and if you have those in your life who are responding in supportive ways, practice more vulnerability by opening up about what you need in terms of support. It’s okay to ask for help- and it’s effective to name what kind of help would feel best.
Join support groups. You might look into online support groups (such as Uniquely Knitted’s Infertility Process Groups), see if there are any local support groups around, or look into therapy groups for infertility.
Individual or couples therapy. Working with a therapist who specializes in infertility can give you the space you need to process your experience and connect to the coping skills that you need during this time. Infertility tends to really let us know what areas of healing we have been needing- and connecting to a therapist during this time can help us grow and personally develop in addition to getting the support we need around our fertility challenges.
Practice Nervous System Regulation Skills
Your brain might understand that the pain you are experiencing is not life-or-death, but your nervous system probably doesn’t. If you feel like the stress infertility brings is often leaving you in fight-or-flight mode, connecting to some nervous system regulation skills in your daily routine may be a good idea.
Cold exposure: place an icepack over the eyes for a few minutes as you sit back and breathe slowly. You can also take a cold shower or do a cold-plunge if that’s your jam.
Paced breathing: slow your breath down to a pace that feels comfortable, and allow your exhale to be a little bit longer than your inhale (as long as that feels okay in your body). Doing a guided breathing practice, like this Simple Breath Practice, can be a good place to start!
Get in some exercise to flush out some stress hormones. Go for a run, do some jumping jacks, or anything that’s going to get your heart rate up for around 15-minutes whenever you feel that jittery anxiety in your body.
Do some grounding and restorative movements. Encourage your body to slow down and ground by doing some restorative yoga or gentle stretches as a part of your wind-down routine.
Set Boundaries
This is not the season where you can do it all or serve everyone. Take some time to identify what kind of boundaries you need in your life:
What tasks can you take off your to-do list
What things or activities can you say “no” to
Who might you need space from in order to protect your emotional space
What media (social media, tv shows, books) aren’t serving you the most right now
Boundaries practice can be challenging- especially if you’ve been in need of some boundary work even before this fertility journey. So take it slow, be gentle with yourself, and allow room for trial-and-error.
When to Seek Therapy
Therapy can be a great resource for any significant life transition- so the fact that you’re experiencing infertility may mean that it’s worth looking into therapy to get the support you need.
If you find yourself struggling to navigate your emotions, feeling disconnected in your relationships, or having a hard time holding space for yourself or your goals right now- therapy can help. You deserve support. And, you deserve the space to learn about yourself and grow even when it feels like your life is on pause due to infertility.
We’re here to help.
At Minnesota Attachment Collective, we truly understand the complexities of fertility challenges. We’re not going to throw any toxic positivity, unsolicited advice, or rushed healing approaches your way.
We’re here to help you hold space for it all. For your experiences throughout your fertility journey. For your hopes and dreams. For all of the different parts of you that are looking for support and healing.
We have openings for both individual and couples therapy for those navigating fertility challenges. Sessions can be held at our in-office location in Eagan, MN, or virtual for anyone who lives in Minnesota. You can learn more about our providers here- and schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if we would feel like a good fit for you!