Breaking Free from Mom Guilt: 7 Myths You Can Let Go Of

Mom guilt has a way of creeping into every corner of parenting. You wonder if you’re doing enough, if you’re doing it “right,” or if your choices are going to somehow ruin your child. The truth is, mom guilt is incredibly common- especially for moms who care deeply and want to do their best.

But, much of this guilt is built on myths and unrealistic expectations that you don’t have to carry. As a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health, all too often I see the most incredible moms feeling like they’re falling short because of all of the societal expectations that are put on moms.

We love our kids so much and want to do the best by them. But, then we end up holding ourselves to an unrealistic (and quite frankly, impossible) definition of what it means to be a “good mom”. Beating yourself up for not being able to do it all doesn’t help. On the contrary, it’s probably keeping you disconnected from the things that you actually can do really well in motherhood.

So, let’s break down seven of the most common mom-guilt myths and talk about how you can let them go for good.

Myth 1: A Good Mom Always Puts Her Kids First

It’s easy to believe that selflessness is the ultimate marker of good parenting. There’s a societal narrative around giving your all to your kids. And so, we give and give and give- we pour from an empty cup so that our kids can have the best experience possible.

But when you’re constantly last on the list, it’s hard to stay patient, present, and grounded. Rather than setting our kids up to thrive, we are giving them a burnt out mom who feels overwhelmed and resentful- even though we try our best not to show it.

The truth: Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish- it’s necessary. Kids benefit from parents who are emotionally regulated and have the energy to connect. Scheduling time for yourself, setting boundaries, and asking for help is part of being a good mom. By prioritizing ourselves, we model for our children how important it is to take care of ourselves. And, we also end up with much more to be able to share with them.

How to start practicing this: This isn’t about making sure that you get in a massage every month and have time set aside for that weekly yoga class. I mean- those things are great and if you can get them in, please do! But, the biggest shift in prioritizing yourself is going to be in the little moments. When your toddler throws their dinner on the floor because it is “yucky” and you are debating on whether the right move is to hold boundaries or make them something different to eat- take a beat. Take a minute to take a few breaths- if you need to step into another room to do so, that’s okay (everyone’s safe!)- come back to yourself before you take the next step. In the end, it matters less which decision yo make about the food and more about how regulated you can be as you navigate it.

Myth 2: You Have to Enjoy Every Moment

If you’ve ever been told, “Enjoy it while it lasts,” you might feel guilty for not loving every sleepless night or toddler tantrum. So, instead of sharing your struggles with your mom friends or getting support from a trusted therapist- you stuff it down and pretend everything is fine.

Next thing you know, it comes out all at the wrong time. You find yourself crying because you can’t find your kid’s missing shoe, screaming in the car at yourself after you were late to preschool drop off, or feeling like you’re all alone and must be the only parent who isn’t in pure bliss 100% of the time (spoiler alert: you are absolutely not alone in this feeling!).

The truth: Parenthood is full of beautiful moments and hard ones. It’s okay to feel frustrated, tired, or even bored sometimes. You can love your kids deeply without loving every single moment. When we allow ourselves to experience all of the conflicting emotions that come with parenthood, it actually starts to feel less heavy.

How to start practicing this: Begin by validating your emotions- whether they’re positive, negative, or somewhere in between. A simple script for this is “It makes sense that I’m feeling ___ because of ___.” It makes sense that I’m feeling frustrated because my toddler was protesting every step of our morning routine and now we are running late to preschool drop off. It makes sense that I’m feeling overwhelmed because there are so many events on the schedule this week. It makes sense that I’m not feeling myself today because my sleep was interrupted 4 times.

When we can identify and validate our feeling- it’s often so much easier to then identify what we need to care for that emotion. It may be a few deep breaths, talking with our partner about ways to rework the household tasks this week, or knowing that we need to say no to something on our plate.

Myth 3: Good Moms Don’t Get Angry

If getting angry sometimes meant that someone isn’t a good mom- there would be no good moms out there. Motherhood is hard. We are presented with so much more that can leave us feeling angry. If we don’t allow ourselves to feel angry, that doesn’t mean the anger isn’t going to show up anyways. We’ll end up angry at ourselves, disconnecting from our emotions because they’re not fitting what we think we “should” be feeling, or having unexpected and unpredictable outbursts of anger when we can’t control it anymore.

The truth: Anger is a normal human emotion. When we acknowledge and allow for anger, we’re better able to navigate it skillfully. Sometimes, we can catch it before we express it. When we start to notice anger, we can check in with what outlet or self-care would be helpful for us.

Other times, we won’t catch it in time and express anger towards our child with a harsh tone or being less understanding than we’d otherwise like to be. What matters is how you repair with your child afterward and what you model about handling big feelings. Apologizing, reconnecting, and showing them that conflict can be resolved actually strengthens your relationship.

How to start practicing this: Begin by exploring your experience of anger. What situations tend to trigger anger? What does anger feel like in your body? What does anger typically leave you wanting to do? Practice catching anger whenever you notice it (you won’t catch it 100% of the time- that’s okay!), acknowledge it, and practice a skill with it. Maybe it’s taking a few deep breaths, going for a run, or using art as an outlet.

When you have a moment where you didn’t catch anger before it came out in unintentional ways- give yourself some grace. Beating yourself up for talking too firmly with your child isn’t going to help anything- in fact, it might make it worse. Remind yourself that you’re human and you experience human emotions. Acknowledge what happened with your child, apologize, and take action to match the repair. For example, “I’m sorry kiddo. I didn’t realize how overwhelmed I was feeling and I yelled at you. That’s not how I want to talk to you, and I know I needed to take a deep breath instead.” Then, actually take that breath, and check in with your child on what they need (such as a hug) and move forward.

Myth 4: You Have to Do Everything Yourself

From housework to meal prep to school drop-offs, moms often feel like they need to handle it all to be “good enough”. We live in a world that expects way too much of moms. And as we strive to be “supermom”, we end up feeling burnt out, resentful, and disconnected from the parts of motherhood that we do truly enjoy.

The truth: Parenting was never meant to be a solo project. Humans were meant to live in communities where we have built in support from childcare to meals to taking care of our homes. Our society has evolved quickly, and getting through parenthood requires delegating tasks, sharing the load with a partner, or outsourcing where you can (meal kits, babysitters, cleaners). Getting support doesn’t make you less capable- it makes you resourceful!

How to start practicing this: Start with the small things that you can take off your plate. This may be opting for frozen pizza after a busy day, letting the laundry remain unfolded for another day, or having some prepackaged kid’s snacks available for when you just don’t have the energy to make them yourself. Another crucial part of this is making sure you lean on your supports. Work with your partner on sharing the load differently throughout different seasons of life, ask for support from friends or family if they are available, and if possible- outsource the tasks that are just too much right now by using a meal service, hiring a cleaner once per month, or adding more childcare when you need it.

Myth 5: Having Childcare Means That Other’s Are Raising Your Kids For You

A myth that can hurt working moms the most is that their childcare providers raise their children more than they do. Moms (yet, rarely dads) get criticized for working outside of the home and utilizing childcare during those times. They are made to feel guilty for needing to work to support their family, for enjoying work and having others support with childcare, as well as for utilizing childcare so that they have time for their own self-care.

Often, moms are left to feel like their bond with their child is less than if they are not the primary caregiver 24/7.

The truth: Families need to utilize childcare for a variety of different reasons- and these childcare choices do not diminish the bond with your child. Instead, having support around childcare may help you to be more present and engaged in the moments that you are caring for your child. As an added benefit, utilizing childcare can lead to your child having even more safe and loving caregivers in their life- which is a win!

How to start practicing this: If you aren’t using childcare yet, but see a want or need for it- start small. If you’re feeling anxious about someone else caring for your child, jumping in the deep end may feel overwhelming. Start with short periods of time with someone you trust to build your confidence in it. Remind yourself that discomfort (from you or your little one) does not mean that something is wrong- it just means you’re doing something new!

Myth 6: Struggling Means You’re Failing

Whether it’s postpartum anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or just feeling overwhelmed, many moms think that if they’re struggling, they must not be cut out for this. On social media, we see moms that seem to have it all together. They’re doing all the activities we feel that we “should” be doing, they seem happy about it, and they’re able to maintain everything else on their plate well.

It can be so easy to feel like we are failing if we struggle to balance it all, feel overwhelmed, or sometimes just don’t like all of the aspects of parenting.

The truth: Struggle is a sign you’re human, not that you’re failing. Parenting is no walk in the park. We weren’t meant to do it all on our own, and we certainly aren’t meant to do it without the normal range of human emotions. Reaching out for help- from a friend, partner, or therapist- is a sign of strength. Support allows you to parent from a healthier, more grounded place.

How to start practicing this: Allow space for all of your emotions. For the overwhelm, joy, annoyance, connection, confusion, anger, contentment… all of it. You’re human, and you’re going to experience many different emotions on any given day. When we tune into our emotions, we are better able to identify what support we need. And, when we allow ourselves to connect to support when we need it- parenting is going to go a whole lot smoother!

Myth 7: There’s One Right Way to Parent

The endless advice online can make you feel like there’s a perfect formula for raising kids. We can easily become fixated on how we should be structuring our baby’s naps, how we should be communicating boundaries with our toddler, how we should navigate our kid’s emotions, and what we need to focus on to make sure our kids hit developmental milestones in a certain way.

The truth: Every child, parent, and family is different. What works for one family might not work for yours. Trust your intuition, experiment, and find rhythms that feel right for your household- not just what Instagram says you “should” be doing.

How to start practicing this: Take a break from advice that isn’t feeling supportive to your family’s situation. Remind yourself that trial and error (emphasis on the error!) is a necessary part of finding what works best for your kids and your family. Have conversations with your partner, dig into some self-exploration, and work through some past wounds with a therapist so that you can find your own groove in parenthood!

Breaking Free from the Guilt

When you challenge these myths, you create space to parent with more confidence and connection. Mom guilt doesn’t have to be your default setting- you deserve to feel grounded, supported, and proud of the way you show up for your kids.

At Minnesota Attachment Collective, we love supporting parents in their own healing as they raise their children. Our goal is to help you connect to your authentic self and support your journey of building confidence in parenthood.

We offer individual and couples therapy for those in Minnesota- either in-person at our Eagan, MN office or virtual across the state. You can learn more about our therapists here- and also book yourself a free 15-minute consultation to see if it feels like a good fit!